


the butterfly effect

by thunderylee



Category: KAT-TUN (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: 6nin nostalgia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Canon Universe, M/M, Marriage, Romance, glossed-over bad sex, rescue era, side koyashige, time travelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-09 06:59:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18633127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: If there’s anything Nakamaru has learned in his thirty-five years on this earth, it’s that you can’t predict the future—even when you’ve been sent back in time to fix it.





	the butterfly effect

**Author's Note:**

> everything i read about nakamasu irl cements my tinhatting that they are secretly married, so i wrote some angst. it makes sense to me okay. i now have 75% of the nakamasu tag here on ao3, you're welcome.

_“Will we be showing a favorable face when we’re thirty-five?”_

Ever since September, this previously insignificant line from a JE song that is not even sung by his own group has been playing in the back of Nakamaru’s mind. Staying busy with dramas and his million KAT-TUN jobs doesn’t leave him much time to ruminate on the past, but assuming he’s not completely exhausted when he goes to bed at night, there are a few minutes where he recalls where is he in his life and everything he _doesn’t_ have by now.

“It’s not a mid-life crisis if you don’t buy a sports car,” Koki had told him when they’d met up to celebrate their birthdays last fall.

“I already have a pretty nice car...” Nakamaru had replied, but as usual the topic trailed off onto Koki’s brothers and whether Kame’s still a bitch about micromanaging everyone’s schedule (he is).

Jin was mildly more helpful, except not really. “I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my family,” he’d told Nakamaru on a rare drunken night, because he’s a total lightweight now that he only drinks once every couple of months. “They’re my whole _life_. Of course, I love making music and the fame that comes with it, but if we’re talking about my purpose on this earth, it’s to be a husband and a father.”

“Every time you drink with Akanishi, you get all melancholy about the past,” Ueda tells him after the most recent occurrence, which happened to coincide with Nakamaru becoming an uncle. “We’re right where we’re supposed to be, Yuichi. Dwelling about what might have been is only gonna lead to a downward spiral you may not be able to come back from.”

Ueda’s right, like he always is, but still Nakamaru wonders. Most people are married with families by the time they’re his age—people who desire those things, anyway. He’s well aware that there are many more endgames than the traditional heteronormative happy ending, but as much as he wants to keep his mind open to all of the possibilities that have not yet closed their windows of opportunity, he knows that is the only one for him. Just not as hetero.

Don’t get him wrong—he loves his life. He’s grateful every day to have been born as himself and led the life he’s been blessed with thus far. Even with all of the obstacles and challenges along the way—going back to university as an adult, _three_ group reformations, numerous failed relationships—he wouldn’t change a thing...except for maybe one.

After ten years, it’s stopped hurting as much. Nakamaru can’t pinpoint the exact moment where he could look at his best friend without longing, without heartache for what could never be because of one stupid mistake that had nearly cost him their friendship. One decision that might have changed everything, at least when it comes to the part of his life that has fallen severely behind the rest.

He’d still be an idol. He’d still be in KAT-TUN, which would still have three members, and everything on the surface would be the same as it is now. He might have graduated later, not taking as many classes at once to balance work and school with love, but that wouldn’t have changed anything. He would have still lost his beloved dog, he would have still had his epic fight with Kame that nobody outside of KAT-TUN knows about but nearly broke up the group for good, and his dad would have still had that health scare that to this day has Nakamaru’s heart drop to his knees whenever his mom calls instead of texts.

But he might have had someone to come home to, someone who doesn’t bark and isn’t nearly as furry as his precious pups, to be there through all of those hard times as well as the good. A beautiful human being with a gentle voice and a big heart, one particular person with whom he’s been in love for at least a decade, despite all of his desperate attempts to move on. Said person was still there as a friend, as supportive as one who exists outside of the bubble of intimacy can possibly be, and if Nakamaru thinks too much about it, he starts to feel selfish for wanting _more_.

“Are you sure he wouldn’t be open to it now?” Taguchi offers his unsolicited wisdom when he drags Nakamaru out for their semi-annual catch-up session. They’re at some club where Taguchi is practically royalty, lounging on the leather seats in the VIP section and sharing a bottle of wine that probably costs more than Nakamaru’s yearly salary. “It’s been ten fucking years. He might be over it by now.”

Nakamaru sighs, purposely keeping his pinky down while taking a sip from his flute because he still hears Jin’s voice in the back of his mind teasing him, “Pinky up, motherfucker!”

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Nakamaru says. “It’s like there’s this invisible partition between us at all times, physically and emotionally. We don’t sit too close, nor do we talk deeply. He’s said on multiple occasions that he loves how easy and light-hearted our friendship is. There’s no drama and he can always count on having a good time when we’re together.”

“Nice choice of words,” Taguchi scoffs. “Drama is a necessary element in any kind of relationship, even platonic ones, you know? You can’t have any kind of connection to another person without it. Drama shows that you care, that the other person’s feelings _matter_. Is he a sociopath? A misanthropist?”

“He is neither of those things,” Nakamaru says firmly. “He’s just...set in his ways, I guess. They all are. They fucking bond over being alone and having their own space. I’m the only person he regularly spends time with outside of work, and they call me his husband. He thinks it’s hilarious.”

Taguchi laughs. “Never would have guessed the member-love enthusiasts would end up so intent on being solitary.”

“Yeah,” Nakamaru agrees, then cringes as he remembers last summer. “I almost said something about a year ago. We were in Malta, enjoying the sunset on the beach, and it was so fucking romantic that I couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore, and he beat me to it by saying, ‘I’m so glad we’re still doing things like this after everything that has happened. I don’t know what I’d do without you as my best friend'.”

“Ouch.” Taguchi cringes in sympathy. “Friend-zoned.”

“Don’t call it that,” Nakamaru grumbles. “But yeah.”

Taguchi orders more shots, and Nakamaru gets blitzed enough to forget about the regret weighing down his heart...for now.

It feels like a dream when he wakes, a few seconds of consciousness building before he recognizes where he is. It’s not his current apartment, nor the one he’d lived in before—it’s his room at his parents’ house, decorated just like it had been ten years ago. His first thought is to run his fingers through his hair, and sure enough, it’s super short.

Quickly, he reaches for his phone that’s not even a touchscreen and pushes buttons until it turns on. February 24th, 2009. Nakamaru stares at the tiny display in blatant disbelief like the date will change if he finds enough logic, never mind that everything about his environment screams that he’s twenty-five years old and in the middle of filming _Rescue_.

And he needs to get a move on. KAT-TUN are promoting _One Drop_ , about to release _Rescue_ , and starting to put together _Break the Records_. In addition to work, Nakamaru has a paper on ecological simulations due on Sunday and three tests coming up despite purposely taking a light courseload this term. Even at five-thirty in the morning, his university-aged sisters are hogging the bathroom, and Nakamaru easily readjusts to washing up at his first workplace of the day. 

He’s so busy that he doesn’t have time to wonder what had actually happened to take him back in time, though he’s confident it’s definitely not a dream. Even if he hadn’t pinched himself repeatedly upon waking, the vigorous workout the _Rescue_ cast did each morning before filming leaves him feeling aching and soreness that are definitely real. All he’s really processed is that while the world has regressed ten years, his mind is a combination of both past and present, or present and future, however you want to look at it.

This just means that he’s even more fucked up when he looks at Masuda. The younger version of his best friend with equally as short hair looks just as happy to see him as any other time, though there’s an extra element in this instance that Nakamaru hadn’t realized he’d lost since then. He remembers as well as sees with his own eyes the unbridled joy his presence gives Masuda, the kind someone who hasn’t yet found a reason to hold back their true feelings would display.

All at once Nakamaru knows what today is, or rather the day he’d been sent back in time to relive. It’s the day of his one regret, the day he had thrown away any chance of being with the man he came to love in the years following. It hits him in the middle of filming, because they’re doing a particularly sentimental scene that had left a lasting impression on Masuda, enough for the younger idol to frown for one of the first times in Nakamaru’s memory.

“Hey, are you okay?” Nakamaru asks him when they break for lunch, just like he had back then, only this time his nerves are skyrocketing because he knows what’s coming.

“No,” Masuda mumbles, and it breaks Nakamaru’s heart even more than the first time. “Can we talk later?”

“I have two performances to record after we’re done here,” Nakamaru answers apologetically. “Then Koyama and I are meeting to discuss some upcoming changes on _Shokura_. I’ve already had to reschedule on him twice, so I don’t really want to let him down again.”

“Oh.” Masuda nods and offers a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Another time, then.”

“How about right now?” Nakamaru asks. He’s practically shaking, but that seems to work out in his favor as Masuda’s expression turns sympathetic. “Did something happen? Don’t make me wait to hear bad news!”

“It’s not bad,” Masuda assures him. “At least, I don’t think so. I don’t know how you will react, which is why I haven’t said anything yet, but after filming that scene today...”

Nakamaru swallows hard. “It’s difficult not to relate to the character, right? Even if you know it’s not real, we get so far into their mind that it feels like it’s happening to us.”

“It’s not that either.” Masuda huffs, like he’s frustrated that Nakamaru’s unable to read his mind, and while the Nakamaru of the time had been bewildered at what that meant, the Nakamaru of right now thinks it’s seriously cute. “I don’t know how to say it.”

It’s then that Nakamaru notices how young Masuda actually is in this moment, barely an adult with little to no real-world experience, particularly when it comes to love and relationships. He’s constantly being teased by his group mates for being prude, having not yet learned the art of evading personal questions and not comparing himself to others. His idol persona is still the two-dimensional gyoza aficionado who exercised all the time, the many other facets of his personality hidden for the next few years at least.

“Just say it,” Nakamaru encourages him, offering his own smile for support. “Speak whatever’s in your heart.”

“I love you,” Masuda blurts out, and even though he’d expected it, Nakamaru feels like he’d just gotten punched in the gut. “I can’t really explain it, but almost every episode we film has someone fighting for their life, their loved ones sobbing and begging us to save them, and I don’t know how this relates to my feelings but here they are.”

Nakamaru stares at him, controlling his facial expression very, very carefully. It’s just as nice to hear as it was initially, though he’s completely void of the fear that had filled twenty-five-year-old Nakamaru’s body at the confession. Most of it was valid—the risk of being found out, ruining their friendship if it didn’t work out, hell Nakamaru wasn’t even positive he was into guys back then. His default state was on defense, let alone when his world had just been turned upside-down like this.

 _I don’t know what to say_ , had been his response the first time. _I haven’t thought about you like that before._

 _T_ _hink about it now_ , Masuda had replied, looking much lighter now that he’d unloaded his burden. _Take as long as you need, but not too long. If this drama has taught me nothing else, it’s that life is short and too precious to waste_.

It had taken Nakamaru the rest of the day to think about it. Through two performance tapings that started late because his drama filming ran over, which made him late to meet Koyama. Even while he got unnecessarily drunk with his oblivious lush of a cohost and miraculously didn’t get loose-lipped. Sharing Masuda’s confession with the gossip whore of JE would have been an even bigger regret than what he’d actually ended up doing.

He doesn’t remember the specifics, but he’d shown up at Masuda’s parents’ house at two A.M. and blew up Masuda’s phone until he woke up. Looking back on it now, he doesn’t know how the neighbors hadn’t called the police with how much racket he was making, falling-down drunk and throwing sticks at Masuda’s window when he didn’t answer the first twenty times.

What happened after that was Nakamaru’s only regret for a decade. After being successfully smuggled into Masuda’s room without waking his entire family, Nakamaru had kissed him right on the mouth and whispered slurred words of love that Masuda naively believed. Then Masuda had given all of himself to Nakamaru, neither one really knowing what they were doing but figuring it out well enough, though part of Nakamaru’s regret is how careless he had been about Masuda’s comfort. The only thing he recalls with vivid clarity from that night is Masuda pretending it didn’t hurt even though it showed on his face.

The next morning, Nakamaru had woken up in Masuda’s bed hungover and terrified. Everything leading up until that moment, he could have lived with as long as he had  _stayed where he was_ , owning up to his drunk decisions and being honest about all the reasons why he was scared. Instead, he had bolted like the fucking coward he was and ignored the man he’d just fucked and left even while they were filming together later that day.

Truth be told, Nakamaru had gotten off easily. He doesn’t think he would have forgiven Masuda if the tables had been turned, but Masuda had given him a week of space before sending an email taking responsibility for what happened and suggesting they forget about it. _I don’t understand these things,_ he’d written, the words etched onto Nakamaru’s brain like a drama script he had to memorize. _I really thought I had feelings for you—I was so sure that’s what it was. But then we had sex and I felt nothing in my heart. It’s better to know now than to keep wondering, so I’m glad it happened. I’m so sorry if you’ve had a tough week because of me. I s_ _till want you in my life as a cherished friend. We’ll probably laugh about this in ten years._

It had taken months, maybe even years to build their friendship back up to where it had been, but eventually they’d returned to comfortably existing together, meeting up whenever they had time and even taking vacations together. Jin liked to say that the pair of them only bonded because everyone else in their lives were focused on finding love and that kind of happily ever after, but Jin wasn’t around enough for his words to be influential anymore.

In the split second of this flashback, while twenty-two-year-old Masuda’s waiting for a response to his confession,  Nakamaru realizes he might not be able to change the future after all. It was only a few years ago (from the future time) that Masuda had figured out that he’s asexual, so starting anything this early may end up the same way. Maybe Nakamaru could help him understand why he doesn’t feel anything romantic during sex before it’s too late, but if there’s anything Nakamaru has learned in his thirty-five years on this earth, it’s that you can’t predict the future—even when you’ve been sent back in time to fix it.

“I think...” he starts, stalling some more because he really doesn’t know what to say, even the second time around. Masuda looks so hopeful that Nakamaru’s heart wants to burst, spewing out all of the feelings he’s been holding back for so long, but that would be overkill. “I think we should set aside some time soon and seriously talk about this.”

Masuda nods again, but this time his grin is blinding. How he grew into an adult who didn’t show all of his emotions on his face, Nakamaru will never know. A dark thought arises that it was due to spending so long thinking he couldn’t be loved, but that thought passes as quickly as it came. There’s no room in Nakamaru’s mind for anything but nerves, only this time it’s because he _doesn’t_ know what’s going to happen, which he’s much more used to.

Filming wraps up earlier than anticipated because Nakamaru’s not as distracted and finishes most of his scenes in one take, and before he knows it he’s backstage with the original members of KAT-TUN. This time he’s punched in the gut with nostalgia, even if all five of them look like they’d rather be anywhere else than in each other’s presence.

“What are you smiling about, Big Nose?” Jin teases, lifting his fedora enough to peer at Nakamaru’s face. “Did Buta finally propose to you?”

“Ha-ha,” Nakamaru deadpans smoothly, rolling his eyes at Nishikido’s (and indirectly Jin’s) nickname for Masuda back then. “Just happy to be the N in KAT-TUN.”

Ueda snorts, Koki gives him a silly face framed by absolutely no hair, and Kame shakes his head while pouring over his own drama script. Taguchi glances up from his phone long enough to flash a big, cheesy grin, and Jin just stares at him like he’d grown a second head.

The first time around, Nakamaru had been preoccupied through these performances as well, but this time he experiences them with acute awareness. He knows that he shouldn’t meddle with anyone else’s fate but his own, and besides it would take more than reliving one random day in 2009 to keep KAT-TUN together as six, but that doesn’t stop him from being a little more attentive to the three who will inevitably leave.

Just because they don’t stay together doesn’t mean they can’t be friends.

Naturally, they all come to the conclusion that Nakamaru’s on drugs, with both Jin and Koki whining that he didn’t share, and Nakamaru lets it go in favor of the other five actually agreeing on something for one of the first times since before their debut. He leaves the second performance feeling high on something anyway, so much that he’s taken aback by twenty-four-year-old Koyama, still lanky and bouncy with incredibly fluffy hair.

“You look happy, Nakamaru-kun,” Koyama observes. “Didn’t you just come from working with KAT-TUN?”

“Hey,” Nakamaru says defensively, and Koyama laughs. “Just because we don’t suffocate each other with fabricated member love doesn’t mean we hate each other.”

“Right?” Koyama replies noncommittally, and Nakamaru lets it go.

They get right to business, Nakamaru easily sliding back into this role like it hasn’t been eight years since he has graced the Shokura stage. Koyama’s so lively despite waiting until close to 9pm to meet due to Nakamaru’s jam-packed schedule, and Nakamaru finds the familiarity relaxing. With everything else that has changed in the past decade, Koyama Keiichiro’s incurable excitement about literally everything has stayed the same.

A big difference between then and now is that neither one of them has a drink, Nakamaru declining the first offer and Koyama following suit because he’s highly susceptible to influence. Sober and exhausted from a full day of work, Nakamaru has no reason to stick around after they finish talking shop. He lets Koyama pick up the check, an ancient running joke between them since NEWS had debuted first, which Nakamaru had forgotten about until this moment.

Nakamaru’s layering on his outerwear when Koyama gasps at his phone, making this gleeful noise that’s a little disturbing. “What happened?” he asks, a little out of character for 2009 Nakamaru who didn’t really focus on anyone else’s personal business, but Koyama doesn’t seem to notice.

“Oh, sorry,” Koyama says, sounding rushed despite not moving. “Shige’s still awake and says it’s okay to stop by on my way home. He’s been so busy with schoolwork lately that I’ve hardly seen him since our tour ended.”

Nakamaru blinks as he remembers that NEWS were basically dead in the water at this point in time. He’s not as familiar with their history as he is KAT-TUN’s, obviously, but he’d witnessed it third party as Masuda’s first line of support when their future as a group was uncertain. Right now is only the beginning, after the _Winter Party Diamond_ tour when Nishikido and Yamashita would start getting more work and the other four had to wait for them.

This isn’t information Nakamaru is about to share with the future group leader, however, instead focusing on how thrilled Koyama seems to be about visiting his best friend. “You act like he’s your boyfriend or something,” Nakamaru teases, also something he would have never said back then, though he gasps when Koyama flinches. “Is he?”

“I mean, it’s still new,” Koyama mumbles, and Nakamaru’s still picking his brain up off the floor when Koyama seems to realize what he just admitted. “Crap! Don’t tell anyone, please? He said we could give it a try as long as no one found out. I’ve been waiting _so long_ , Nakamaru-kun. I’ll never forgive myself if my stupid big mouth is the reason why I don’t get to create forever with my soulmate.”

“How do you know?” Nakamaru asks, and Koyama abandons his mild freakout to tilt his head in confusion. “How do you know that he’s your soulmate?”

“I don’t know,” Koyama answers, looking thoughtful for a few seconds before shrugging. “It’s just something I’ve always felt. He does too. At least, he says he does. He’s so busy right now it’s hard for me to believe that he really feels that way.”

Nakamaru’s highly uncomfortable with this level of bonding, especially since Koyama and Kato officially dating had never even been a rumor in the jimusho gossip vine, but he’s not going to pass on the opportunity to use his unique position as a time traveller to help someone other than himself. He can’t save KAT-TUN, but maybe he can save KoyaShige.

“He won’t always be busy, right?” Nakamaru says gently. “Once he’s done with school and NEWS is...more stable, there will be all the time in the world for the two of you to make a beautiful love.”

He accidentally quotes the name of a NEWS concert tour that isn’t even an iota of a thought in anyone’s mind yet, but Koyama’s smile is worth how lame he feels. “That’s a nice way of saying it,” Koyama says, then throws him a smirk. “Sounds like you know what you’re talking about over there.”

“Who knows,” Nakamaru answers evasively.

“Don’t go breaking Massu’s heart now,” Koyama says, and it takes Nakamaru a second to realize that he’s kidding. “Seriously though, he’s been kind of sad lately. Do you know why that might be?”

“No idea,” Nakamaru lies.

“Massu’s frown opens the gate to the apocalypse,” Koyama declares, and Nakamaru nods in agreement. “He was so happy to be cast alongside you, but as the weeks go on he becomes more and more withdrawn. I’m worried. Take care of him, okay?”

“I will,” Nakamaru promises, and he means it with all of his being.

Koyama actually hugs him goodbye and Nakamaru considers the possibility that he has cemented their friendship as well. In his original reality, the two of them lose touch after they graduate from Shokura hosting, only interacting the few times KAT-TUN and NEWS have worked together since then. Nakamaru hears all about what Koyama’s up to through Masuda, but it’s not the same. Even a small amount of Koyama in his life would solidify his reluctant relationship with his own feelings, because Koyama is nothing if not living proof that it’s okay to be emotional and honest about what’s in your heart even if it shows vulnerability.

It’s freezing outside, but Nakamaru’s warmer than he should be from his heart exploding in his chest. This time Masuda answers on the first call, and all Nakamaru has to do is breathe and Masuda’s inviting him over.

The butterflies flying around in his stomach are the most normal he’s felt since he woke up this morning. He’s not nervous—he’s _excited_. Maybe Koyama’s impossible positivity has already started rubbing off on him, or more likely he feels hopeful for the first time that he can repair his relationship with Masuda, escalating it on both of their terms and working toward a future where they could still be together in ten years, happily on their way to that forever Koyama had been waxing poetic about.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” are the first words that come out of his mouth when they’re alone in Masuda’s room, no smuggling necessary. Masuda’s mother had given him a knowing look when he arrived, which he was trying not to think about.

“I don’t know,” Masuda answers, pursing his lips in thought. “I knew when I met you that you would be a prominent fixture in my life, but I’m not sure that’s what a soulmate is supposed to be.”

“It’s whatever you make of it, I think,” Nakamaru says. “The red string of fate pulling two people together despite all odds, or whatever. I don’t really understand things like relationships and feelings.”

Masuda laughs, and it relaxes Nakamaru despite being out of place. “Me neither! I have no idea what I’m doing here, Yuichi. I just know that I want to do it. With you.”

“What exactly are you referring to?” Nakamaru asks carefully.

“Boyfriend stuff,” Masuda answers with a shrug. “Going out on dates, holding hands, making plans for the future. Things that couples do together.”

Nakamaru’s face starts to hurt, and he belatedly realizes it’s from smiling so hard. “That sounds nice.”

“It does?” Masuda lifts his eyes to meet Nakamaru’s. “Do you...do you feel the same way I do?”

“I...do,” Nakamaru admits, his willpower crumbling with Masuda’s eyes staring into his soul. “I’m really scared though. I don’t want to lose you as my best friend.”

“There’s no reason we can’t be best friends and also boyfriends,” Masuda says logically, and Nakamaru could kick himself for not staying sober enough to have this conversation ten years ago. He would have saved himself _so_ much suffering. “You look relieved,” Masuda adds. “Are you relieved?”

“Yeah,” Nakamaru answers, letting out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding in. “The truth is, I’m worried that I’ll do something stupid to ruin things between us and regret it for the rest of my life.”

Masuda’s face relaxes into a warm smile that brightens Nakamaru’s life. “Obstacles are inevitable, aren’t they? Overcoming them is what makes it all worth it, I think. All we can do is keep moving forward and jump any hurdles that come our way—together.”

It’s also Koyama’s fault that Nakamaru feels the need to cry, not out of any sadness but because he’s so happy that it’s in danger of pouring out of his eyes, but it just has Masuda scooting closer to cradle his jaw in both hands.

“May I kiss you?” Masuda asks, and Nakamaru can’t nod fast enough. Their lips touch and Nakamaru’s world spins, quite literally as he feels himself being pulled through some kind of inter-dimensional portal.

When he comes to, he’s still kissing Masuda, except the cheerful face has aged when they finally break apart. “What year is it?” he asks automatically.

“Are my kisses still that mind-blowing after all of this time?” Masuda teases, pressing his lips to Nakamaru’s once more before turning over in the large bed in what Nakamaru recognizes as the bedroom in Masuda's most recent apartment. “How we’ve made it ten years, I don’t know, but I’m not arguing with the powers that be.”

Nakamaru considers the past eighteen hours of his life and silently agrees. He feels a weight on the third finger of his left hand and stares in disbelief at an honest-to-god wedding ring, one that undoubtedly matches the one on the man lying next to him. How had they gotten married? Same sex marriage hasn’t yet been legalized in Japan. Or had something Nakamaru done or said on this visit to the past somehow changed that part of history as well?

All at once, the events of the past ten years take over his consciousness, like a movie he can see and feel from his point of view. The slow building of their relationship, which completely bypassed any resentment or self-loathing about Masuda’s asexuality after the first time they had sex and Nakamaru assured him it was okay that he didn’t feel anything beyond physical gratification. Nakamaru enjoys sex as much as the next guy, but it’s definitely not the only way to show love.

The movie of the life he has recreated starts speeding up like it had been fast-forwarded, the memories implanted in Nakamaru’s mind slowly overwriting the ones he already had. All of the regret and sadness begin to fade, uncomfortable interactions replaced with affectionate ones, and as their relationship becomes more cemented, the scenes start playing behind Nakamaru’s eyes like it’s happening to him in real time.

Around the end of 2011, Nakamaru had moved in with Masuda, though to be fair he hadn’t seen more than his own bed for most of the year with KAT-TUN’s endless fifth anniversary touring and his starring role in _Dream Boys_. 2012 brought more work for the newly four-member NEWS, giving Nakamaru and Masuda just as much time together as they’d had the first time around. The difference is that when they’re both home, they rarely part from each other’s embrace, just relaxing together and sleeping close to cram in as much intimacy as they can before they’re apart for weeks again.

Nakamaru relives scene after scene of being with Masuda this new way, which gradually becomes the only way he’s known for the past decade. Watching movies, visiting each other on tour, imposing on each other’s group outings like unofficial members. Nakamaru’s heart feels even warmer when he sees Masuda joke around with Kame and get happily trampled by Ueda’s dogs, and Nakamaru experiences the growth of his friendship with Koyama too.

Work, school, family—everything else seems to stay the same, which Nakamaru is only a little disappointed about. Jin still leaves the year after Nakamaru had arrived back in time to change his fate, Yamashita and Nishikido depart next, then Koki gets fired and Taguchi makes his last exit. TV shows come and go, Nakamaru graduates university, and his baby sisters grow up. While Masuda had been by his side the first time Nakamaru had lived through these events, and he by Masuda’s, it’s much more comforting when they’re in love.

Surprisingly, Nakamaru had been the one to propose, premeditated during a rare night of karaoke with the rest of NEWS in 2017. It blows Nakamaru’s mind to live it again, because the first time around he’d been so frustrated about literally everything that was going on at the moment, made even more intolerable by Tegoshi hogging the microphone and singing too loudly, but that memory disappears as this new one takes its place.

He’d been planning this for months, he comes to remember. Koyama had helped, as they’d become something like partners in crime when it came to their respective relationships. Despite being together for as long as Nakamaru and Masuda have, Koyama and Kato still have their own separate homes with no desire to get married, mostly because Koyama has come to embrace non-hierarchical polyamory and Kato’s happy to have time to himself. Whatever works for them, Nakamaru supposes.

His proposal hadn’t been anything elaborate, just serenading Masuda with Masuda’s own solo _Forever Mine_  before adding, “Takahisa, will you marry me?” Masuda had stared at him for a good number of seconds while the other three squealed like fanpeople, later confiding that he’d thought it was a joke until he’d noticed how much Nakamaru was shaking as he handed over the microphone (to Tegoshi).

“Of course I will,” Masuda had answered, his face red but grinning, and Tegoshi’s cheers had boomed through the speakers while Koyama broke out into happy tears and Kato smiled with his own watery eyes, the pair of them clinging to each other.

Nakamaru and Masuda were married last summer in Malta with some random locals as their witnesses. The reception was back in Japan, with both of their families and most of the jimusho. It was the only documented time that all six original members of KAT-TUN have been in the same building since 2010, and probably only because their mothers were all still friends.

Nakamaru’s brain is on overdrive as he relives the past ten years of his (new) life, and when he makes it back to the present day, his husband is peering curiously at him.

“You okay, Yuu?”

“Yeah,” Nakamaru replies, his adoring smile as natural as breathing. “Just thinking about how we got here.”

He expects Masuda to make some smartass comment about walking down the hallway, but he gets a kiss on the nose instead. “I love how you ruminate about the past so much. I'm so grateful I confessed to you that day, and somehow we've managed to make it work with everything life has thrown at us since then. I can't imagine a reality where we've gone through everything in the past ten years as just friends.”

The past decade settles comfortably in Nakamaru’s memory, now the only thing he remembers. “Me neither.”


End file.
